Day Five - Romancing the Bean in Burbank

The final weekend of entertainment is looming this week, a long road of hills to climb with the brand new team since June. I meant what I said when they first hired me; I walked in with little time to acclimate and get up to speed, but such high expectations that essentially they were asking me to jump onto a treadmill that was already going at level 10. It was a chaotic experience trying to gain trust, affect change, and respond to the needs of the business with no room to second guess myself. Has there been a significant amount of stress and adjustment on everyone's part? Absolutely. Have I climbed to the plateau since summer is almost done, with the hardest part behind me? Nope. I'm still not even sure I'll have a job in January. Have I fully explained that yet?

"Oh, I'm sure things are going to work out" they tell me, not fully understanding that my contract expires on December 31st. Contract or no contract, nothing in life is guaranteed. A lot of nostalgia has been scrubbed from my programming over the past few years, so I tend to not look too far out in the future. Yes, this is based on the Two Year Plan, but in reality, I have to look at the rest of 2022 two months ahead at a time, at least in the back of my mind when it comes to large strategies. In the short term, I'm going week-to-week. 

I think it's fair to say that right now I'm trying to keep this blog/experience going for Mondays mostly to keep my sanity intact. Did I build enough momentum to have a whole collection of people working with me at a different place every Monday? No, I'm sitting here in the super well-known Romancing the Bean here in Burbank, a bright star in the Magnolia Parks district  amongst a handful of really incredible coffee places. So far in this grand experiment, a handful of people showed interest in joining but only one has actually made an appearance, and that's totally okay. Good ideas begin small, and honestly, these Mondays have been super valuable for me. Any Monday I haven't been able to make it out of the house to a destination on my search for the greatest dirty chai has been kind of a lost one. I've actually gotten a lot of work done. 

I still like the format, too. Write about what's happening with me or with a friend professionally, meditate on what I'm learning, and then a little review of the place at the end. It's creativity with purpose and a health benefit. If I can keep this going - especially if we change our work schedule to include remote work during the off-season - I'm sure friends will make it out to hang with some purpose. As goes my history, I like working on fleshing out ideas and habits on my own, and if people eventually join me on part of the journey, I'm all for it. I just have to be consistent. 

Consistency leads to habits.

Persistency leads to goals. 

And this pastry leads to happiness.

I mean, you can just get lost in here.

The distraction lately has been rooted in the side effects of studying theatre, an acute awareness of behavior and the natural games people play. It's somehow related to the same idea that when we were much younger, we played the "Which superpower would you want?" game, and so many people wanted the ability to read minds. Now that social media is part of EVERYTHING, there's no longer a need to wish for that superpower. Whether I want to know or not, I know what a lot of people think, especially when they think they're expressing themselves somewhat anonymously. I wish I didn't have a take on reading behavior around me. Career-wise, I think it's just in me that I like to get involved to a certain extent because of everything I've been through. As a person who was bullied throughout grade school, was only interested in not confirming to what everyone else was doing in high school, and was in an abusive relationship in college, I don't want people around me to have any of the negative experiences I've had or to be left in the dark when they're expressing themselves through the arts. People who haven't been through some of these things can only be practical and logical in their approach. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't study the behavior of life in art for just over a decade in theater. I had a boss at my former company who was happily oblivious to things happening in the room, and we'd often compare notes after a large meeting so I could fill her in on what I saw happening at the table. It wasn't that she saw the behavior - the tells, the twitches, subliminal moments of discomfort - and decided to ignore it. She looked straight at the person and didn't notice any changes. It's just fascinating to me. Then again, I did go through various scary mazes during Halloween with her, and even the most egregious jump scare didn't phase her at all. Not a flinch, not even a raised eyebrow. Bloody knife? Thumbs up. Nightmare inducing zombie an inch away from your face? "Good job!" Terrifying scream when you least expect it? Applause & a thumbs up. As much as I appreciate having some insight and intuition, I wish sometimes I just didn't know what was happening around me. 

As I see people act out due to a handful of human conditions like abandonment, jealousy, pride, or anger, I'm almost triggered to remember situations where I've felt all of those things, twisted and stressed with helplessness, with no remedy or solution. I remember when I was ruled by emotion, reactive and intense, with only a 30+ year journaling practice as an effective release. Now I find myself internalizing the reaction, contemplating the context and perspective of the situation, and then more often than not, waiting out the outcome. I am trying to exercise the habit of returning to myself and the things I can control, or else the book I'm writing for artists would end up self-serving as just a tossed word salad of good intentions. 

I aspire to do so much that doesn't involve navigating the distracted motives of others. I'm focused on shared and personal goals much more so than competition. Once again, my soul is fed by conversations with artists and the people who are inspired by them much more so than any administrative or accounting work done. Yes, give me the dirty, monotonous, even ugly work so I can create these beautiful bubbles of moments in time where the honesty in art and reaction to it are preserved. 

So how do I keep myself intact? How do I protect the work and my heart in it? I've tested the void of my connection to the arts various times throughout my life, deciding for moments that I had no place in adjacency to what feels like the sacred space where artists can express themselves. It's that crazy imposter syndrome that I'm positive you're familiar with. But I see that spot. And I think I see it differently than most. I think that a lot of people aspire to be adjacent to a thing they admire. The people in the spotlight have always known they want to be there, however long that is. But why would someone want to be next to that spot? I've seen band managers, aspiring musicians, and people who say they're recording artists on their social media (but there's no evidence of it anywhere), all living vicariously via the people doing the work, hanging with the culture, as a friend and I put it. 

So it's time to remind myself, that yes, while it's important to navigate personalities and make sure that I'm contributing to my job, I also have a purpose and commitment to actively support every performer who comes to the stage. I want us to be different. I want us to make a profound difference. 

Reality dictates that there are things that can be simultaneously true and yet counterpoint to each other. All truths together can be abrasive, but if you pick just a few and start from there, there's very little you can't navigate. We are all seeking to be a combination of truthful things that define us, and be recognized for them; Some are able to illuminate minds, some fill even the most broken of hearts. I think that before I fall into distraction again, I need to remind myself of my compass points, the fundamental things that drive me: Truth in art, transparency in communication, curiosity about others, and commitment to the qualities my parents gave me. 

Sometimes I just have to write a few hundred words to unravel a tangled mess of doubt I end up with. It's a much easier task with a really good dirty chai in front of me. 

Speaking of....

Romancing the Bean - a review

Sharing the same neighborhood as Porto's, Blvd Cafecito, Black Elephant, and the Palm Coffee Bar, I'll admit we're super spoiled. Over the years, I've had various exotic blends of drinks at the Bean, and today's delicious dirty chai was pretty great (though more on the sweet side and not as spicy as the real deal can be). Aside from being a rare place where you can enjoy a hot cup of coffee in a ceramic mug, the pastries and food here are really pretty amazing. When you think that Starbucks, for all of its convenience, pulls most its food from a plastic bag or box, all of the food at Romancing the Bean is fresh and delicious. During the weekend I'm positive it's packed, but for a Monday afternoon answering some work emails and writing this, the atmosphere was perfect. The only thing that limited my stay was the available parking; Park in front, you've got an hour, but if you can find parking on a side street, you have two whole hours to eat, drink, and shop in the area. I didn't see any outlets for laptop users, but chances are with the limited time you can stay if you drove there, you probably won't have to plug in. 

One more weekend, one more major concert. I know a slight post-series depression will begin to set in that weekend, so it will be interesting to see how I feel a week from now. Where will I grab coffee and a snack? How much work will I need to do? 

Let me begin with tomorrow, and a way to navigate the path forward. Next Monday will come soon enough.